i've spent my whole life trying to get the attention of people around me with sporadic success by almost ALWAYS doing things for them. i've done some pretty crazy things just to make the people around me (from this point forward i'll use peoples b/c i feel like i'll use it a lot) happy. i never really thought about why i did it. i just thought i was supposed to do it. and the shitty thing is, generally speaking, that a lot of times it was for nothing in that not only did i not receive the attention i wanted, but instead received criticism and disappointment from peoples.

on many levels, i've given up on this endeavor and even worse is that i'll continue to receive criticism and disappointment from peoples with words like abandonment, wrongdoings, unfairness, mean, etc.

recently i've become utterly numb, unaffected by things that used to take a serious toll on my mental health. still, it's just all very unfair. all i've ever wanted to do was making peoples happy. just wanted to make them proud. make their lives more enjoyable. obviously i'm not that numb.

sorry for disappointing you all and somehow offending you.

--

and the last thing i want now is any attention at all.